The Truth Hurts
Secrets:
For some, it’s the secret addiction to ice cream at 10 PM—others, it’s much darker.
Some cover secrets with sugar and spice, to make them seem less painful(which for me is like rolling brussel sprouts in powdered sugar to make them taste better—it doesn’t work!).
The truth remains: we all have secrets.
10 years ago this week, my life changed forever when I gave up my uterus, and her playmates: ovaries and cervix.
I cannot fathom that it’s been 10 years.
It seemed like the right decision. I was sick. Really sick. The endometriosis, on top of recurrent rupturing cysts, had made my body weak. Pieces of endo were grabbing my lungs. This was kind of a bleak situation.
I learned the words: Total Abdominal Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo Oophorectomy. The surgery was scheduled.
So, what did I do? The night before surgery, I drove my happy hide to Winn Dixie and bought a cake. I had to spell “h-y-s-t-e-r-e-c-t-o-m-y” to the lady in the bakery, so she could write “Happy Hysterectomy” on my cake.
As if *I* wouldn’t do something like that!
Upon admission to the hospital, we were told that they were going to try to save my uterus, and maybe an ovary. I did, however, have to sign for a full, radical hysterectomy, if what they found was worse than they anticipated.
I woke up with 37 staples across my abdomen.I counted them every time I woke up from my pain killer haze. The gravity of the situation hit me hard: I had no internal woman parts. I literally felt hollow.
For months, I avoided all situations where there could possibly be a baby. Even though Janson was just a wee babe herself. I didn’t want to see pregnant women. I didn’t want to see cute little baby clothes, and blankets, and all the things I could never look forward to having again.
It became “the excuse.” Family claimed my hysterectomy was the reason I was “acting out.” Friends avoided me, knowing they were going to make me sad with their rapidly swelling bellies.
But no one ever took the time to ask me how I really felt.
Yes, I was sad. I was moody. I felt out of place, as the only 23 year old on the planet (so I thought) who had no Ute. But I was also angry. Really, really angry.
I listened to people tell me all the time: “This was for the best.”
or
“Some people aren’t meant to have children.”
For awhile, that was enough. Enough to keep me sad, depressed, and hiding my true emotions. But, I was getting more and more angry.
My anger was seeded in a society that looks at women who are barren/infertile as lesser citizens. Having a uterus and procreating is clearly the only thing worth doing in this life (did you hear my eyes roll?). Many people are against women attempting in-vitro because it’s “not natural”—women are just supposed to accept their fate and move on. I disagree…there is a reason that such a thing was discovered, and I think it has a lot to do with Divine Intervention! 
Then, we adopted Jack. He threw us for a completely different loop. Our adoption is definitely not a lesson in the perfect adoption triad…or anything remotely close to that!
I still, and will probably always, long to hold a baby. My baby.
I may be envious of all my friends having babies.
I may daydream about tiny diapers and newborn reflexes.
Yet, I wouldn’t change a thing.
That’s right, you heard me!
I wouldn’t change a thing.
All the physical and emotional pain has been totally worth it. I would never be the person I am today, had life been easy. I would be just like You, or You, or even You. I might be the person that says ugly things to women that can’t bear children. I might be the woman that can’t look Jack in the face at the mall. I could be so involved in my career that I don’t listen to my children. I would miss milestones. I could put so much stock in life and not enough stock in my marriage. I would have never known the joy that comes from heartache.
That, my friends, is my secret.
I think I may be healing….
*ENORMOUS HUG* and lots of support to you.
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Oh, dear heart. I can't imagine what you've gone through. I'm glad that you're healing because you're right: this has helped to shape the person you are today (and IM(not so)HO, you're pretty fabulous). <3
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I wish there was a way for me to convey to you how big an inspiration you are to me. You inspire me to be a better wife, mother, friend, and a better person in general. If you're grateful for your experience because it's made you who you are today, then I'm grateful with you. I can't imagine my life without you…YOU exactly the way that you are.
I love you.
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Thank you for your words of inspiration. After a miscarriage in 2006 — a beautiful baby girl in 2007 — and another recent miscarriage on christmas eve 2009 I am inspired by your words…. and eternally greatful for what I have. It's amazing to hear what people go through in life — thank you for sharing your story. Stories like this help me to focus on what I have and not on what I have lost. Lots of hugs to you.
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You are beautiful. And I couldn't have said it better. Love you big time. *smooches*
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I feel the same way. Drew's disabilties make me shut the tv (most days) and get on the floor to work with him instead of selfishly spending time doing my own thing. He is so curious and wonderful and I love every minute of his childhood.
I don't know if it would be same the same if he wasn't the same and so I wouldn't change a thing.
As a side not…I have endometriosis and am hoping we can have a second child before it becomes too severe. How did you know it was that bad? Did you have trouble breathing?
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Oh Honey I feel for you I really do. Sending huge hugs your way and counting my blessings xxx
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I'm sitting here, with silent tears streaming, for you, with you, and because I adore you. I am so blessed to know you, and I am honoured that you would share something so personal, so private. A truly beautiful, and soul-wrenching post you have written.
Love,
Sarah
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You are awesome. Consider both me AND the grapefruit-sized cyst currently colonizing my ovary inspired by your honesty and strength.
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Oh sweetie. Loves you. Hugs and all that jazz. And if anyone ever makes some sort of asshat comment like that to you again, call me. I'll junk punch 'em for you
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Heather–that was gorgeous. I literally have chills down both arms.
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Nic @Mybottlesup—Thank you. Hugs back!
Chibi–I'll take your not so humble opinion any day!
@musicow–I adore you too. You always make me cry!
Anonymous—don't be anonymous!
Come out and let me know you! Your words made me happy…but my heart aches for you.
Karen–email sent!
@Psychmamma–thank you sweetums. I do value your opinion…a LOT!
Emma—thank you lovie. Hugs back
Sarah—it's your hormones!
I love you too.
Melinda–sorry about your cyst…ugh. That is just awful…extra love to you!
@PrincessJenn—you're my #1 Junk Puncher then!
Lolipop (you know I have a hard time calling you that, right?)— I didn't mean to chill you. But thank you. I hope that is a good thing—you've done that to me quite a few times, so let's just call it even?!
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I adore you. This post was just so awesome. Sigh. Just want to give you a huge hug.
DUDE, this is the third time your blog has somehow disappeared from my reader. No joke.
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Thank you for your honesty!
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I have so much to say…but yet no words. I love how much you are allowing Christ to use you to minister to others. Especially through the adoption/special needs readers…and me.
I had no idea of all this {but wondering how you got to adoption} and my heart aches for what you have been through. so much I never knew.
I really think you should consider moving to WA
Please???
xoxoxoxox
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I try to always be aware of other's feelings and I just recently accidentally hurt the feelings of a friend who is unable to have children. I didn't mean to, obviously, and I still feel horrible about it. Thanks for reminding me(and all of us) to be aware and take care with the most harmful weapon we own: our mouths (even if it is unintentional…)
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What an honest and moving post. Thank you for sharing your experiences so openly. People need to read stories like this more often.
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Oh Heather! Even reading this a second time tears are streaming down my face! I have so much I want to say… And I find myself wrapping it up in a quote:
"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible"
-Jane Rubietta.
It's not the same… But, kinda is?
Grief is Grief no matter how many ways you want to slice it… You can't put a time limit on it…
With that being said…
Your amazing…!! I can't think of a more amazing women to share the so much in common with… Special needs children, Hysterectomy…
Your-Strong, funny, Not to mention – Running for Mayor(Ha) By the way I want a Brusters and a Bally's ( Ha Ha )
Keep on being Fabulous! As I know you will be
Broken_Bah_D
AKA
Dolores
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I was never the one to get choked by by a sad movie or story… but for some reason your story did. Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing!
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Oh gosh, and here I am with perfect woman parts but not wanting to have a kid.
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What a beautiful post. I am so glad Mel included it in her Friday Blog Round Up
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@Issascrazyworld: (((((HUGS YOU BACK)))))
Ambitions of A Trophy Wife: You're welcome!
Jen: You know if I could make us neighbors, I totally would!
Bridget: You're welcome! (hug)
Molly: Thanks!
Dolores: BWAHAHAHAHHAAAA Bruster's and Bally added to the Mayoral List!
Lance: thank you!
Nomad: It's OK…REALLY!
Kristin: ME too! I love Mel…so much!
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{{{{{{{HEATHER}}}}}}}}
I really do know a small bit of your pain. We plan to grow our family through fostering and adoption of special needs children, adding to the joy and chaos that is already our life. There are no regrets of our past that we will allow to cloud our future, because we are happy with where we are today and would not be here had the past events of our lives been different. Healing is a process and a it involves a lot strong emotions that may or may not get easier. I am glad to hear you are finding some peace in a very difficult issue that you are dealing with….I certainly do not think less of you because you are no longer able to bear children, but definitely think a lot of you for giving a home to a precious little boy who is facing many struggles, that is an AMAZING and selfless act!
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What a wonderful post. Even more wonderful is that you ARE a parent, you ARE a momma, I have all my gurly bits and yet will probably never be one LOL so the gurly bits don't always count for much!
I love your honesty.
ICLW
#101
http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/
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I hope you're healing too !
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I've been catching up on your blog for the past couple of days. I found your blog through Jen (http://massingalefamily.blogspot.com/). Your honesty is beautiful. I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much but you are an amazingly strong woman. Your family will be in my prayers. Take care!
Laura
[ICLW #96]
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Thanks for stopping by my blog & your kind words! I'm so glad you did so that I could come across your blog. This was such a heartfelt beautifully written post.
~ICLW #38
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What a beautiful post. I am blown away by your courage, honesty, and love.
(BTW – My SIL had to go through a radical hysterectomy before the age of 30, and I wish I had read your post back then. I was supportive and loving, but I couldn't fathom what she was going through, and your post shed a lot of light on that.)
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Wow! That is so heart warming! I would love to feature your story on my blog! And it's practically already written with this post! Go to my link for the questions! Or if you don't have time, perhaps, I will just add a link to you here if you don't mind. I think it's inspirational! Thanks in advance and thanks for stopping by! Happy ICLW!
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Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm amazed by your strength and your courage!
Happy ICLW!
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Absolutely incredible post. You have such a wonderful perspective looking back at this.
Thanks for stopping by! ICLW
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Hi, thanks so much for stopping by my blog, really appreciated and here I am to return a virtual hug. You have been through so so much and I think all your feelings (past and present) are completely acceptable. I'll be checking you again, much love,
Fran
ICLW #14
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Oh man Heather amazing. I have chills and I so feel you in this post. – here from iclw
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You are a brave, wonderful woman. What a gift, to be able to offer such perspective. I find myself less at peace with my own loss, and you inspire me to see things differently. Thank you!
ICLW#52
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Thanks for visiting my blog! Also, thanks for sharing your feelings in this post. You seem so strong, and I am sure there are so many of us out here that can benefit from you.
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I enjoyed your post. I love that you had a cake w/ hysterectomy written on it. Thanks for sharing your story. Jack is so cute
ICLW #79
http://findjoynow.blogspot.com
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You are a sweetheart of a person. I am so sorry for your past pain and so happy for your joy now. Yes, you are healing. Have a great week!
Gerardine
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wow thanks for sharing this with us! and I love how you would not change it and your reasons!
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"I listened to people tell me all the time: "This was for the best." or "Some people aren't meant to have children.' "
Oooooh, that just gets me. The people that say those things (along with the people who are against IVF and fertility treatments because it's "not natural" or "against God's plan") are ALSO the people who have zero trouble getting pregnant. I could punch them in the face and feel kind of okay about it
Very inspirational post about inner peace! It's nice to hear
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Thank you for sharing your story! I know I'm growing through my IF journey too, and hope to continue to look back and say the same thing – that I wouldn't change anything.
Hugs & prayers!
Happy ICLW
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Heather, a huge hug to you and lots of support as well. I got chills reading this bc I cld totally feel your honesty and bareness in it. Thanks for stopping by my blog and I think I'll be back around here.
happy ICLW!
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Thank you for sharing this with us.
*iclw
tomi.
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While I've not been through all that you have, those of us stricken with IF somehow bond, I think, rather quickly. It's always nice to find new people who "get" us. ((Hugs)) to my newfound friend.
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I have exotropia (eye problem)…so, I am a person that people will rarely look in the face. I am wondering how you cope with someone who won't look Jack in the face…do you resent them or feel angry to them?
Hugs
ICLW
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Beautiful post. Thanks for visiting my blog and giving me a chance to get to meet you!
Tremendous (((HUGS))) to you.
Happy ICLW!
#115
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thanks for coming to my blog! This is an amazing post. I'm so sorry about all you've been through. You're an amazingly strong person. (((HUGS)))
Happy ICLW!!
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Thank you for sharing. I'm in AWE of how together you sound! How heroic.
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Wow, you have an incredible story.
Thanks for visiting my blog and happy ICLW!
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Thank you for your comment on my blog, b/c by it I found this moving and powerfully written entry. My heart aches for you and rejoices all at the same time. And I like Mel have goosebumps. Also I'm now sticking around.
Happy ICLW!
#33
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I can completely understand where you are coming from. While I cannot understand the emotional pain of having to give up your fertility at such a young age – I can relate it to the pain of losing my second son. And after all the pain and grief of it all, do I think about how it would be with him here on earth? of course. But I wouldnt change it. If I were given the power to take it back, I wouldnt. Because my life would not be what it is today.
((hugs)) to you and your beautiful family.
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You seem like such a strong person. Realizing that what has happened to us makes us who we are and appreciating it is something that I struggle with all the time.
ICLW#93
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You really have been on an incredible journey. It is so hard to accept what life has thrown us at times. I was ranting recently to my husband about the latest curve ball life and fertility have thrown me. My husband is very wise and has a great head on his shoulders. I will always remember what he told me as I screamed and cried that this wasn't fair. "We all have to fight a battle in our lives. If you don't want this one, what would you rather have?" I couldn't answer that. All during our struggles to become parents, I have chosen to see the blessings from our fight. As you said, it makes us who we are. Our struggles shape and form us.
You have a lot to heal from. I would have a lot of anger too. I'm angry over my own situation. All that matters is what our battles have taught us.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Consider yourself hugged.
*hugs*
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Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your journey really is incredible. Your comment on my blog made me laugh
We should come up with an acronym for people who don't have enough sense to keep their mouths shut. It could work for all aspects of life.
ICLW #110
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It sounds like you are healing! I wish you well.
Stopping by from ICLW!
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Wow! What an amazing post! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I can't wait to read more of yours!
ICLW #28
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Wow, Heather. What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing your journey…your heartfelt, painful journey…with us.
Jim
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Hi from ICLW and thanks for your comment on my blog. This was such a moving story, thank you.
I am very much looking forward to reading more of your beautiful writing. What a hard thing to go through at 23!
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WOW!! Thank you for sharing this… deeply touching.
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Wow, your words have a way of touching the innermost reaches of one's soul. Thank you for sharing this with us.
(ICLW)
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