Today is my mother’s (ahem) 30th birthday! So, in honor of such a special occasion, I thought I would honor her.
These are the things I have learned from my mother.
1. If your child dares you to do something dumb—like, say, a cartwheel—and you haven’t done one since you were 8, you probably shouldn’t try it. And if you do try it, make up another story once you get to the emergency room.
2. When teenage boys want to play baseball with you, don’t volunteer to be the pitcher. If you do volunteer to be the pitcher, for goodness sake, use the glove to catch the ball. You don’t need to throw the glove at the boys when they hit you with a line drive in the shin.
3. Let’s say you are throwing a birthday party for your spouse. Suppose you have all the windows open and the breeze is blowing and life is grand…then someone (like your best friend) sneaks up and yells “boo” behind your child. Let’s say that child then utters some bad words…it is TOTALLY appropriate to wash his mouth out with liquid soap right then and there.
4. It is also totally appropriate to pay your younger child (regardless of gender) to try on your eldest child’s prom gown to assure a good fit. The pictures alone are priceless.
5. If a mother ever falls down the stairs, it is not good to laugh at her. Ever.
6. Do not forget that dinner is in the oven if you decide to watch the bear crossing your yard.
7. Children can run fairly fast. When you can’t catch them, just throw a shoe at them! Not just any ordinary shoe either…has to be the real Dr. Scholl’s shoes, with the wooden part. Hurts way more.
8. It’s never a good idea to laugh at other’s misfortunes—in front of your mother.
9. If your child is ever hospitalized, don’t take what they verbalize to heart…even if it is that you have a huge crush on the doctor.
10. Eventually, children get really smart. Telling them you wear a size 2 and weigh 95 pounds only works for so long (although, I totally believed it for years!!!).
11. It’s never wise to wear a tube top in the ocean.
12. Don’t get mad at your husband when he is mean to passers-by who are afraid they might have run over a pet cat, and he picks up the cat and throws it to the ditch and says, “nah, just a barn cat.”
13. If you leave children notes with lists of things to do, make sure you capitalize all the words, so they think you’re mad. I’m sure they would never laugh and wait until right before you get home to do anything.
14. Children are a constant source of amusement. Just ask one to don a black lace shawl and perform a medley of songs from West Side Story as each and every character.
15. Sometimes good intentions go wrong—like when you ask the big, tall uncle to dress up like the Incredible Hulk for Halloween, only to scare the tar out of the children.
16. Abba is always a good CD to keep on hand for emergency singing fits.
17. Regardless of how badly they want it and ask for it, it’s never a good idea to give your child grape juice after anesthesia.
18. When teaching your child to drive, stick to back roads first. Driving in town, you could possibly end up–oh, I don’t know, driving up the stairs of the Lutheran church or something.
19. “I don’t care if it rains or freezes, long as I’ve got my plastic Jesus” is not the song you want your kids to say is their favorite lullaby.
20. Laughter is the best medicine…and IF I have done anything with my mother over the years, it’s laughed. Yeah, I have given her troubles from time to time, but we can always laugh.
Happy Birthday Mother. I love you.